I Feel Like I'm Drowning
by Giving You A Nightcall
Summary: Liz goes into a downward spiral after Tom is arrested. When she finally hits rock bottom, there's only one person there waiting for her. A/U. Keenler. FIRST AND SECOND CHAPTERS REVISED!
1. Chapter 1

When Tom told Elizabeth that he wanted some time apart, she thought that was the worst possible thing that could ever happen to them, and her. She thought of the irony as she handcuffed him, number two on the Blacklist. Red didn't tell her who the target was until she got to his safe house. When she saw Tom, her heart fell to the ground and her eyes watered, but she didn't allow herself to break. She looked at his face, and it was expressionless. It wasn't him. It couldn't be him. Maybe it was a joke. Red likes jokes. No. No. This was her husband.

Even though Red had warned her about him, she had an extremely hard time believing that he could be capable of doing something so unjust to deserve a spot on the Blacklist. The Blacklist was for bad people who deserve to spend the rest of their lives in jail, not her husband, whom she loves more than anything. No matter the situation, Liz always believed in their marriage and didn't want to give up. But she was forced to give it up. Now she doesn't even know who Tom is. Now she realized that he had been lying to her for two years, pretending to love her. He was feeding her fake happiness for this job of his. That's what she was. A job. She wasn't a human being with hopes and desires for the future. Apparently she didn't deserve it. Her life was being ruined for reasons she was completely in the dark about. In the matter of a week, her life was turned upside down. Again. This was the worst thing that could possibly happen.

After the arrest, Liz didn't go back to work. She told Cooper that she just needed a break. Red didn't come back after anyways, so there was nothing holding her down. Cooper told her she could take leave until Red came back. Liz knew Red. He wasn't going to come back until she was ready. He was going to let her have a lot of time off. He better, because she was not ready. And she wasn't going to be for a long time. After she left Cooper's office, she went down to her and Ressler's office to pack up her things. She didn't know how she was still moving, or thinking, or breathing, but she was. She didn't know how she was able to even walk in the Post Office without breaking down. This was the place where it all started. The beginning of the end.

Ressler was in their office. She didn't want him to be there. She didn't want to face him. She felt like she was cut open and she didn't want him to see what was on the inside. He couldn't see that. He couldn't think differently of her. He had to see her as a strong agent who didn't let her personal issues get in the way. He couldn't see that she let everything get in the way. That she had been so removed ever since she found that box. Even though Tom was cleared that first time, she wasn't the same. She was never going to be the same, not unless she somehow turned back time and never married Tom.

Ressler was sitting at his desk, overlooking the case. He couldn't believe it. He felt so bad for Keen. Her whole life she was surrounded by bad people. Her father, Red, and now Tom. She's a good person, with good intentions. She didn't do anything to be thrown into a situation like this. Tom wasn't talking. The only thing he said that it was his job and it was never his job to hurt her. He also said he would die before he said anything else. Ressler saw Keen coming and closed the case files. She didn't have to look at them again. He didn't say anything when she came in. He didn't know what to say. He only started talking when he realized that she was cleaning up and packing her things. She was leaving.

"You're leaving?"

"Yeah," Liz answered. She felt bad to leave him. He was a good partner.

"Are you going to come back?"

"Yeah. I'll be back when Red's back." Liz tried not to look him in the eye. The eyes are a window to the heart, and she didn't want him to see her dark, broken heart.

"You holding up?" He had to know. He couldn't let her go without making sure she'll be okay.

"Yeah. I'll see you when I come back." She couldn't stay there any longer. She quickly took her things and started walking to the door.

"Stay strong, Keen."

Liz turned around and looked at him. She let him meet her eyes. She nodded and walked out the door, going straight home.

Liz got home and finally allowed herself to think. She thought about the signs she could have missed. However, there were no signs. Tom was the perfect husband, and Liz hated him for that. She appreciated it so much that she could come home from her whirlwind of a job to a loving, understanding husband with his arms open. Even in the midst of all of the tension between them preceding his arrest, even after Liz admitted they were broken, Liz never stopped feeling the bond between them. She never stopped loving him. And she will never stop loving the man she thought he was. He will always haunt her.

Liz also thought about work. She couldn't possibly go back to work, to finding more targets on Red's Blacklist. She couldn't even think about looking at his face again. He knew about Tom from the start and for seven months only gave her subtle hints of what her husband was. Red told her he would always be there for her but he makes it so damn hard to want him there. She is tired of all of his secrets. He let her arrest her own husband before telling her why he is obsessed with her. She mentally slapped herself for beginning to forget that he never actually informed her of their connection. How could she let herself think that her situation is normal? How did she let herself get used to this insanity?


	2. Chapter 2

"Day 20 since my life ended", Liz thought to herself as she woke up for another day of just thinking about how stupid and naive she is. Just as she was finally gaining strength, it was all taken away from her and now she doesn't know if she'll ever be half as strong as she was before. Liz was wondering why she still bothered to get up early anyways; it's not like she's planning on leaving her house. She hasn't even put on real clothes since the arrest, just changing her pajamas every couple of days. No one has come to visit her. Red tried calling her a few times but she ignored him. She didn't know if she could ever forgive him.

Liz decided that she should just go back to sleep since she wasn't going to do anything productive anyways. The only time Liz was somewhat at peace was while she was sleeping. Thankfully, she wasn't one to get vivid nightmares, or even regular dreams at all. She would just fall into complete darkness. However, this time, her darkness was interrupted by her cell phone ringing. Liz was surprised by this since she hadn't received a phone call in four days. She would've regularly just answered but she had to make sure Nick's Pizza wasn't calling her. What made her even more surprised was that Agent Ressler's name showed up on her caller ID. She wasn't even sure how to react so she just answered.

"Keen", Liz stammered out with the slightest crack in her voice.

Ressler didn't even know why he decided to call her now. He knows he should have called her earlier but he wasn't sure how to approach this situation. He didn't know if she appreciated what he told her in the office. Maybe it was too much. Maybe he crossed the line. But he knew he had to reach out again. If he crossed the line before, he decided there was no going back, so he was going to really talk to her. He wanted this to be real and personal. Over the past few months he had come to care for her well being. They became close as partners. He's just never been close to that many people in his life and he didn't want to mess this up. Ever since Audrey, he knew he had to become a better friend. He felt bad that it took so long for him to contact her and he hoped she wouldn't be upset. He also hoped she wouldn't be overwhelmed by his sudden call. He just wanted her to be okay, and he just didn't know how to do that.

"Hey, Keen. I, uh, just wanted to see how you're holding up. I haven't heard from you since, uh, it happened." He wondered how it's possible that he could always manage to have the worst word choice.

Cringing at the reminder, Keen tried to sound as composed as possible, "Thank you for calling Ressler. Honestly, I've been missing the sound of another person's voice." She missed the sound of Tom's voice. His sweet, caring voice that she loved to hear, and was planning to hear every day until she died.

He appreciated her sincerity. He wasn't expecting it so fast but he was more than happy to return the sincerity. "Oh, anytime, Keen. Listen, I just wanted to let you know that you don't have to go through this alone. I'm here for you and don't forget that."

Liz was slightly taken aback by the drive in his voice. It almost made her want to tell him how she really feels, how she wished she could just go to sleep and not wake up. How she wished that she could just escape this all and not feel the pain anymore. He told her to stay strong but she knew she couldn't. She wasn't strong enough for all of this.

"Thank you, Ressler. Naturally, this is not an easy thing to go through and I appreciate that I have a partner as caring as you." She really did appreciate that. Their relationship was unique for partners. They were at a stage that was in between partners and friends, yet they didn't feel uncomfortable about it. It felt natural, especially after the Anslo Garrick ordeal. But they still weren't at the point where she could tell him everything, not yet, maybe not ever.

Ressler could hear her holding back but he knew he shouldn't pry. "Again, Keen, anytime. Look, if you need anything, even just some company, don't be afraid to call me. I'll be happy to help you out."

Liz suddenly felt a wave of emotion coming over her. She couldn't let Ressler find out about her emotional state. He knew she wasn't telling him everything. She had to end the phone call before she said something she would regret. Using what is probably the worst excuse in the world, Liz replied in a shaky voice, "Thank you, Ressler. Um, I think I hear my dog barking; I have to go walk him. I'll call if I need anything. Bye Ressler", and she quickly hung up and let her emotions swallow her for what seems like the thousandth time over these past three weeks.


	3. Chapter 3

Don knew Keen just wanted to hang up. He didn't know why but he knew Keen just needed her space and he can't just suddenly smother her, especially after not contacting her for almost three weeks. But Don told himself that he'll go over if Keen doesn't call within the next two days. He just felt so bad for her. She didn't deserve this. She deserves to just have a normal white picket fence life without any of this Red crap. What does Red want from her anyways? It's his fault her life is ruined and that made Ressler feel extremely guilty. He should be going through this, not Keen. Liz is a genuinely good person who only wants good in the world. Now she probably won't be able to think of anything remotely good for a while. Ressler wished he could just take care of her and tell her everything's going to be okay.

The rest of Ressler's day went along uneventfully. He went to work, but without Keen or Red there, it's not so action packed. He spent most of the day doing paperwork in his office. He occasionally looked over to Keen's empty desk and a feeling of remorse would overtake his body. He tried not to think about it at work since he can't let himself become emotional at the office. He had to be a rock at work or else he wouldn't be able to do it. He didn't mean to come off so cold and unemotional but it was just the only way. He just cares too much and he had to learn how to not become attached to every case he had. Unfortunately, it led to him having trouble keeping the people close to him. He wants to change that with Keen.

His relationship with Keen is different than his other relationships. He knows he isn't going to mess this one up. All of his past relationships, romantic or not, never worked out because he could never completely connect with the other person. They all had such perfect lives that Ressler just couldn't comprehend. He and Keen have struggled since birth, and that connects them. He just wants to see the real Keen he knows she's hiding from the world. He knows she's never been truly real with anyone, even Tom. He wants to know her struggles and he wants to tell her his. He just wants his bond with Keen to be stronger than any other bond he's ever had. But now he's scared because of her vulnerable state. He's scared of not being able to help her. His already present fear for Keen was magnified when he received a call from her that night.

Ressler remember he told her to call if she needs anything so he answered on the first ring.

"Ressler." He tried to sound calm but he was slightly excited that she called him so soon. This excitement soon faded when Keen began to speak.

"Hi, Ressler. Um, sorry to ask on such last minute but, um, I need you to come over to my house. I need help with something." Liz wasn't planning on calling Ressler so soon but she was in serious trouble now and she needed help. She did something she didn't think she would regret but she made a mistake and she doesn't have a lot of time.

Ressler heard the urgency in her voice but also heard the weakness. It almost sounded like she was in pain, but she didn't want him to know. "Keen, you okay? You don't sound so good."

Liz couldn't hold back anymore. She needed his help ASAP. "Yeah, I just need you to come here. Now."

Ressler immediately hung up the phone, forgetting to answer her, and ran straight out the door. He doesn't know what's going on with Keen, but he knows with her situation, it can't be good. He doesn't have to be a criminal profiler to realize that.

Ressler honestly didn't know what to expect when he was on the way to Liz's house. He didn't want to think about it. He wasn't sure what Liz is actually capable of. He knew he had to just go in expecting the worst, disregarding the fact that Keen could just be overreacting. No, he knows Keen doesn't overreact, she under reacts if anything. There's so much to her that Ressler just doesn't understand. To him, she is a bigger mystery than Reddington, and she doesn't even know it.

When he got to Keen's door, he waited a moment before knocking just to collect himself. He didn't want Keen to see him as a nervous wreck. He has to be strong for her now, no matter what it may be behind that door.

He knocked a few times but there was no answer, not even a sound from the other side. Ressler became worried. She had to be home. Where could she have gone? He tried calling her name a few times but there was no answer. He knew he couldn't just leave. He wasn't sure he felt completely comfortable doing this but he slowly opened the door. Ressler, even with seven years of experience, fainted at the sight. All he saw was blood. Keen's blood. What the hell did she do?

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**A/N: So, if you didn't realize by now, this story is kind of going in the direction of Liz self harming. So just warning you that if you get triggered by these things, don't read the next few chapters. I'm sorry. **


	4. Chapter 4

Liz was sick. She was sick of living her empty life with no one who truly loves her. She just lost Sam, the man who took her in when no one else was there for her, and now she lost Tom, if she ever actually had him. She really still couldn't believe that Tom pretended to love her the whole time. She didn't think that was possible. That stuff isn't supposed to happen in real life. That's in the movie. Lately, her whole life is becoming a movie. She doesn't even know what's real anymore. Maybe this is just all a dream. She's just been dreaming for the past two years. But what seemed like a fairy tale at first turned into a nightmare beyond belief. But after this last trauma, Liz just went numb. After her fair share of breakdowns, she just can't seem to feel anymore. No matter what, she just can't feel. She hasn't eaten more than 300 calories a day since day 12. She can't even feel how hungry she is. Nothing can make her feel better. In the morning Ressler called her. That should've made her feel something, feel loved. But it didn't. She was just too lost already. She wanted to be able to accept Ressler's help but she was subconsciously blocking herself from doing so. She couldn't bring herself to reaching out, no matter how much she wanted to, or needed to. So she's just left with her degenerating emotional stability with no one there. She didn't want to spend one more day on this planet if she has to spend it like this. She wants to escape this torture. She can't handle the feelings of abandonment she thought she would never have to feel again. How many times in one lifetime can she be left with no one to love her? Not one more time. She knows its bound to happen to her again, knowing she's cursed to live in this nightmare for eternity, never to wake up and be happy again. She doesn't deserve it. There's only one way out. She told herself she wouldn't try it again but this is the only option.

The last time Liz tried to kill herself was when she was fourteen, shortly before Sam took her in. She had been cutting herself for about a year before that but that need to feel turned into a need to be free of sensation. She didn't want to feel anything anymore. She just wanted to fall into the darkness. Waking up every morning and having to live another day became agonizing. She was abandoned by her parents and being sent from one foster home to another took a toll on the little self esteem she had left. There was absolutely nothing holding her back. And she still can't seem to remember how she survived. She remembers it all so clearly, except for how she was saved. She was sure no one would find her, or even care to look for her. She was sure she was never going to wake up and have to live another pathetic, miserable day. She remembers the moment she woke up in the hospital and thought this was her eternal Hell. She also remembers when she realized she got off worse- she survived.

She tried to get out of there but she was under total lock down. She was kept in a psych ward for almost 2 months and then moved to a group home. Those were memories that took years to block out. Nobody knows about that time of her life, not even Red, or he chose not to bring it up. Shortly after she moved into the group home, Sam adopted her. She was hesitant to trust Sam because it seemed to perfect; he actually treated her well. But she let him get through to her and she let him help her. He pulled her out of her depression and made her feel loved again. It was because of him that she actually managed to get somewhere in life. He was the most amazing person she knew and losing him was like losing a part of herself, the part that included happiness and motivation. He was the person keeping her from turning back into her fourteen year old self. If he was here, he would help her get through this Tom thing and she would come out stronger. Sam was the reason why Liz lived through the past fifteen years. Without him, she is nothing. Now, she is nothing and she can't take it anymore. She just wants to be close to him again and hear him tell her that he will always love her and be there for her.

As she held the knife in her hand, sitting on the floor right in the spot where she found the box, she thought about Tom. About how he probably wouldn't care if she died, just upset that he couldn't watch. He probably hated her. She would hate him to if she was forced to pretend to love him, and live with him. She then thought about Red. Would he be upset, or would he feel relieved, that the burden she is would be lifted off of his shoulders? She wondered if people would be surprised that the strong Agent Keen broke. She imagined her funeral. It would be small and short, not worth spending too much time over. Red probably wouldn't even go, probably scared that once she's gone, the FBI will do whatever they want with him if they catch him. Liz wondered who would find her, and when. When someone would remember her and try to look for her, if that ever happens. She thought that person would probably be Ressler. She thought they could probably be really good friends if she wasn't so messed up. She felt bad about leaving him. She knew he would genuinely mourn her. But she knew its better for it to happen now, before they got too close. She knew she would be saving him from experiencing real heartbreak again.

Liz held the knife to her wrists, not even crying. Why should she cry if she's leaving the bad place? You only cry when you don't want to go. Liz not only wanted to go, she believed she needed to go. She couldn't corrupt this world any longer with her presence. She was a waste of a body and soul. But something happened when she cut. It hurt like hell. Last time, she felt a release, like it was meant to be. Now, all she felt was pain and it hurt more with every gush of blood that escaped her body. It was flowing fast and she couldn't stop it. She didn't know why she wanted to stop it, but she did. She had this pit of guilt developing in her stomach. What went wrong? Everything felt so right until she actually cut. Her mind was telling her something and it was taking over her heart. Then her mind told her how to solve this. She remembered her phone was still in her pocket. With her uninjured hand, she called Ressler.

"Ressler." Thank God he answered on the first ring. She didn't know if she had time to waste on ringing, the blood was still flowing. She didn't really know what to say. She wasn't sure she should tell him on the phone, she didn't want him to get too nervous before he even got to her. Nervousness causes rashness.

"Hi, Ressler. Um, sorry to ask on such last minute but, um, I need you to come over to my house. I need help with something." God, it took a lot of strength to control herself when she was trying to talk. Everything hurt.

"Keen, you okay? You don't sound so good."

She couldn't hold back anymore. "Yeah, I just need you to come here. Now."

He hung up after that, hopefully he was coming. She didn't know how much longer she could hold on. She already lost a lot of blood and Ressler lives fifteen minutes away. If it takes him fifteen minutes, he's not going to make it in time. She assumed that he'll be too late so she tried crawling to the kitchen to get a towel to put on her wrist. Using the little strength she still had, she dragged herself along the floor, leaving a trail of fresh blood. The kitchen wasn't far but every inch Liz moved took an extreme toll on her, making her weaker and weaker as she went along. Liz was began to have convulsions and went into shock, beginning to cry and quiver. She just stopped trying and laid her head on the floor and just tried coming to terms with the fact that she was going to get what she wanted. She now hated herself more than she did before, if that was even possible

Lying on the floor, so weak and unable to move, Liz heard Ressler knocking when he finally came, seven minutes later. Then she heard him calling her name. Her mind was screaming for him but all she could do was tremble as tears fell down her face.

"Keen! Keen, are you in there? Keen, please open the door!"

Liz then heard him opening the door, thanking God that she didn't lock it. But before she got to see her savior, she slipped into unconsciousness.

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**A/N: Sorry this chapter still keeps you in suspense about Liz's fate. I just thought that it was necessary to go through all of the background. Also, I don't know if this is realistic or not, just with the technical things about her injury. But, even so, I hope you liked it. I would love to hear your comments! **


	5. Chapter 5

When Liz woke up, she didn't need to open her eyes to know where she was. The unmistakable smell and the beeping gave it away. Liz hates hospitals. She appreciates them, but she wishes the world didn't need them. She wishes that people could just be healthy and happy. She wishes that she wasn't so unhealthy that she made herself end up here. It's such a waste of a life to spend it not wanting to live. What's the point of it then? All it is is a waste of time. If someone doesn't want to live, either get help or end it off. That's a horribly morbid thing to say and it won't bring any good to the world doing that, but if someone is in such a bad place that he doesn't want to live anymore, why should he torture himself by staying on the planet? Liz, however, did not fall under that category. Liz should've gotten help. Liz didn't really want to die. She just wanted a way out of all of this. Out of Red. She's so tired of all of this blacklist business. This wasn't supposed to be her job. She just wanted a normal life. She didn't know how else to express that.

It would all be so different if Sam was alive. He would've helped her. She would've told him everything that she is thinking and feeling and he would've helped her. But now she has someone else. He won't ever be like Sam, but he truly cares for her, and he's proved it multiple times. After she was rescued from the Stewmaker, Ressler was there to catch her when she broke down. When he held her, even though he didn't feel so comfortable, it comforted her. When she slit her wrists, she realized she couldn't leave him. She thought she could and that it was the right thing to do, but when it was actually happening, she got so scared of never seeing him again. She didn't even say goodbye. Calling him was the only thing that felt right in the longest time, even as she was slowly dying.

When Liz opened her eyes, the first thing she looked at was her wrists, heavily bandaged. They still hurt. Then she looked around the room. It was just a regular hospital room, like the one Sam was in. Except he wasn't alive anymore when she got there. As she looked around, she also saw Ressler asleep in a chair next to her bed. Looking at him made her wrists hurt more. It made her feel so bad. She caused him pain that he doesn't need to feel. She couldn't see this pain on his face when he slept. He looked so calm. He was probably dreaming about a better life. A life without Red or Liz. A life in which he married Audrey and lived a normal life. Now he's just sleeping in a hospital room next to his suicidal partner. Is she the only person he has now? Maybe he needs her more than she needs him. Ressler never talks about friends or family. Maybe he doesn't have any. Maybe Liz will have to be that for him.

Liz wondered how long she was out for. She wondered how long Ressler had been waiting here. She wondered if anyone else came to visit. She saw Ressler's mobile sitting on the table next to her bed so she reached over to check the date. Liz had to double check to make sure she was reading correctly. It was April 23. She attempted suicide on the 21st. Liz couldn't believe she was out for two whole days. How bad was her injury? She was in pain but she had no clue what she would see under those bandages. Liz wondered if Ressler stayed in the hospital the whole time. If he did, then that would explain how he's out cold. How long did he stay up, waiting for her to wake up? It made Liz feel even worse about this.

Ressler opened his eyes about a half hour after Liz did. He was instantly angry at himself for letting himself fall asleep while Liz was hurt. He was so scared when he saw her laying on the floor in her blood. He thought she was dead. It scared him more than he thought it would. It scared him so much that he couldn't bring himself to leave this hospital for the passed two days. He didn't even call Cooper to tell him what happened. As soon as he was able to see her, he went into her room and didn't leave. He didn't take his eyes off of her. He was scared that if he looked away for a moment, she would leave him. He just wanted her to stay with him. She was in critical condition for the first few hours of her hospital stay. She lost over four pints of blood. It's surprising so much blood could escape from her small wrist. Her small wrist that will be forever scarred. Ressler imagined the torture of being reminded of his lowest point every time he looked at his hand. Ressler didn't want Liz to go through that. He knew she wouldn't try it again. If she really wanted it, she wouldn't have called him. Ressler couldn't comprehend that he was the only one she felt comfortable calling. It didn't make sense that such a wonderful person didn't have anyone else besides her partner. She deserved more people in her life that she could love.

When Ressler lifted his eyes to look at her, he saw that she was awake, looking right at him. They looked into each other's eyes for a few minutes, not knowing what to say. There was so much they wanted to say but yet no sound came out of their mouths. They never expected to ever be in a situation like this, and now that they were, they weren't sure how to approach it.

After what seemed like a lifetime, Ressler stood up and slowly walked over to Liz's bedside. He stood there for a moment, never taking his eyes off of her, and then took her hand in his. The gesture was not expected, but it was appreciated. Liz wasn't ready for all the questions yet. She just needed him to let her know that he wasn't mad at her. When he gave her his hand, he showed her that he will be there for her through this hard recovery, and that meant the world to her. She was now ready to fight, having the assurance that he will be fighting with her. Knowing this brought tears to her eyes; she couldn't stay quiet anymore.

"Ressler," she barely choked out with the tears starting to stream down her face. She didn't realize it would be this hard to speak. "Thank you." She couldn't say anything else.

Ressler just held on to her hand even tighter, not wanting to ever let go. Seeing her crying in like this, in this setting shook him up. He never wanted to see her in pain again. "Keen," he said intensely, looking at her bandaged wrist. "Don't ever do something like that again."

And something extremely rare and unexpected happened when he said that; Ressler also started to cry. He cried for her, for the seemingly never ending grief she has been going through her entire life . He also cried for himself, because he just couldn't get that image of her on the floor out of his head. To Liz's bewilderment, he was crying harder than she was, but still holding her wounded hand.

After a few minutes, Ressler brought his chair right up to Liz's bedside, sat down, and laid his head down on her bed, continuing to weep. Once he started, he couldn't stop. He honestly didn't know himself how long he was keeping this in for. Liz's suicide attempt was just the impetus of this long awaited release of emotions.

Liz was very distressed seeing him like this. She didn't want her to be the reason for his breakdown. She never saw Ressler even coming close to a release of emotion as powerful as this and now she didn't know how to comfort him. Even though she was the one in the hospital bed with the tears still streaming down her own face, all she could think about was Ressler.

With her free hand, Liz began to rub Ressler's upper back and shoulders. Her hands moved along his trembling body and showered a calm onto Ressler. She gave him chills and a soothing warmth simultaneously. It felt as if she was made to comfort him; as if they were made to comfort each other.

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**A/N: **I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter. I'm not so happy with it, though. I feel like it's really OOC. I just had to write this as quickly as possible so I didn't lose my flow. (Which I did lose somewhat lol) But this is my first story and really my first time doing any type of creative writing so hopefully I will just get better with time and practice! :)

And OMG- this week's episode was AMAZING! Seeing Ressler cry kind of inspired me to make him cry .But seriously, I thought it was amazing to see his emotional and vulnerable side. It was really needed. Now they just have to somewhat bring him and Liz together. But even though I didn't want him to end up with Audrey, I totally bawled when she died. How could someone with a heart not? Also, am I crazy or was anyone else disappointed when Tom killed Jolene? I wanted to see more of her!

K, I really have to stop ranting! I could go on forever! Please leave comments and constructive criticism is totally accepted and appreciated! :)


	6. Chapter 6

Liz only realized she fell asleep when she woke up, her hand still in Ressler's. He was already awake though, looking at her with those intense blue eyes, which were still slightly puffy and red.

"How are you feeling?", she asked.

To Liz's surprise, Ressler chuckled, but not jokingly. "Keen, you're laying down on a hospital bed. I should be asking that question."

Liz knew he was right and that she probably needed at lot more help than he did. But she still wasn't ready to talk about it so she was just going to keep this going for a little longer. "You were uncontrollably weeping last night, Ressler. I never saw a grown man cry like that before. I got scared."

Ressler felt his emotions start to well up again. He doesn't know what Liz wanted from him, but she really knows how to rev him up. "Well maybe you never saw a grown man cry after finding his possibly dead partner's body. Do you even realize that? I can't leave your side because last time you were left alone for too long you tried to kill yourself. You're on suicide watch and yet you're busy worrying about me."

"Suicide watch.." All she could do ws repeat those words. She, Elizabeth Keen, was on suicide watch? That isn't right. She thought she would be better than that after she got Sam all those years ago. She wasn't even allowed to be alone if she wanted to. Her face turned even whiter as she looked around the hospital room and then down at her wrist again, and only then did she realize what she actually did to herself. She felt it.

When she slit her wrist, her mind was back to insecure, hurt, fourteen year old Liz, not strong, thirty year old Liz. Thirty year old Liz would've known what she was doing. Where was her head? Why did she let her emotions take control of her?

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." Liz's eyes grew panicked and she started to feel a sharp pain in her stomach, the pain of guilt and regret. Her breathing became rapid and her heart rate grew, as indicated by her heart monitor. Tears began to stream down her face uncontrollably.

Without thinking, Ressler cupped her face in his hands and wiped away her tears. "Calm down. Don't think about it." He looked deeply into her eyes. "Try to sleep. I'll be here when you wake up."

Liz didn't know what else to do but listen to him. She was scared to listen to herself anymore. Without any other response, she just shut her eyes and focused on her breathing until she fell into a deep sleep. Only then did Ressler let go of her face, giving her a small kiss on the forehead.

This time, when Liz woke up, Ressler wasn't the only one in the room. A man, obviously some type of doctor was sitting and talking with Ressler, but they immediately hushed when they saw Liz awaken. The doctor immediately began to speak.

"Hello, Ms. Keen, my name is Dr. Brody and I am going to be tending to you during the rest of your hospital stay. Today you will be going under evaluation by the mental health technicians and social workers on staff and hopefully, we will have a diagnosis by the evening." The doctor then left without waiting for an answer, or protest.

Liz was slightly disillusioned by the sudden interference of the hospital staff. She hasn't even seen a nurse come into her room yet, even when she woke up for the first time. She wasn't looking forward to her evaluations. She didn't want to be diagnosed. She didn't want to be someone with an illness, especially a mental illness. She wanted to be normal. Her whole life she just wanted to be normal and it seems likes she's never going to get it. Tom was so normal, and that's why she loved him and wanted to be with him forever, until she found out he was just as abnormal as the rest. Maybe she could have had a normal job as a special agent but Red just decided to march in on her first day. Sam was the most normal aspect of her life. He made everything picture perfect. He was the best thing that ever happened to her, and when he left, Liz should have known that she was turning onto a downhill slope. But she wasn't sure if she has hit the bottom yet, and her upcoming diagnosis wasn't going to make it any better.

Red was bound to come sooner or later. She was still angry with him, and she had every right to be. She knew he cared about her and he would give up everything for her, but she didn't know why. This could all just be a sick obsession for all she knew. She didn't want it to be, but it could, and she hated the thought of that. She wanted clarity. Her whole life was a lie according to Red, and she was slowing starting to believe it. Red was right, but that didn't make her hate this all, and him, any less. She didn't know what she would do without him, but she couldn't live with him in her life anymore. She wished that he could just be completely open with her and that they could help each other. She sees the pain and regret in his eyes every time they interact, even if he is smiling and laughing. He never told her anything about his past. His hints are almost impossible to decipher, if they are hints at all. He is enigma in a person and it drove Liz crazy. It landed her in this dreaded hospital with a mental illness. Maybe Red's finally too scared to come here. Maybe he finally realized he has a little too much nerve and decided to retreat until she got it back together. Maybe he feels bad. Too bad he won't ever admit it.

Liz looked over to Ressler, who was just looking at her with those eyes she became so familiar with over the last couple days. She really appreciated him being there for her. It shows a lot about a person when he sticks with his friend who just attempted to end her life. Most people would run, and run far, but he just came closer. He had such a good heart. She didn't deserve to have him here. She deserved to be in this hospital room, cold and alone. All she did was bring trouble to wherever she went. She was cursed. But she knew that she had to get out of this place as soon as possible, for him. Even if she feels like hurting herself again, she has to make sure everyone thinks she's fine. She had to make sure that they won't find anything while evaluating her. She knew she was good at acting. She convinced Madeline Pratt that she was an experienced criminal. She deceived Wujing into thinking she was a master decrypter. She pretended she wasn't falling apart since Red came into her life. This was easy compared to all she's done. She could do this. She glanced at Ressler again, now with hope in her eyes. He won't have to worry anymore.

The rest of the day was filled with evaluations. Liz was forced to return to all the painful memories that she has been plagued with since the beginning of her life. They asked her about everything. Her childhood, her biological parents, her Sam, her husband. The only thing they didn't talk about was her job. They knew Liz couldn't legally talk about it. And they knew that was a road blocker. They also didn't bring up Red. Obviously, they knew nothing of him and his sudden appearance in Liz's life. To them, he was just number four on the FBI's Most Wanted list and still at large. Liz knew that because they were lacking that information, it would be easier to evade a diagnosis, but not that much easier. Even while answering deeply painful questions, whether about her early life or recent life, Liz made sure her face was calm and her eyes were peaceful. She had to make sure she looked like someone who was already healed, not someone with an extremely long way to go. It was hard, as it was only day number four since she attempted suicide, but she was a good enough actress.

When asked about her suicide attempt, Liz told them the truth. She told them it felt wrong the second she cut and she didn't want to die. She told them that it was a mistake and her mind was just clouded by everything that was going on. She told them that things were going to slow down now and that she already felt like this time was going to be different. What she didn't tell them was that things were only going to slow down because the worst possible things that could have happened already did. She didn't tell them that things were going to be different only because she knew she had to act a little better. She didn't tell them that she still felt like she didn't deserve to live. She still felt like she was drowning, and she didn't know what was real.

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**I don't think I'm very good at this. lol I'm honestly not happy with this chapter but I honestly don't know how to make it better. lol Please review with comments or ideas please! It means so much to me! Also, please tell me if I'm taking this too slowly and if you want Keensler to happen already! :) I hope you liked it even though I don't! haha**


	7. Chapter 7

That night, Liz was nervous. Maybe she wasn't convincing enough. Or maybe she seemed too fine for someone who just went through so much emotional turmoil. She needed to hear the results right away, whatever they were. She can't have this extra anxiety. They'll see her cracks.

As if it was part of her routine, she turned to Ressler. Not to talk; just to look. They haven't talked since the morning, her minor breakdown. They just looked at each other, into each other. He was with her the entire day, right beside her during her long evaluations, silently taking in everything she said. She didn't even care that he heard everything. What she was feeling and thinking. What brought her over the edge. That didn't change much though. He probably could've imagined what she was thinking anyways. She had mixed feelings about him finding out like that though. She was relieved that she didn't have to tell him personally, something she had been avoiding for the past two days, but she felt bad that they would never have that moment. That moment when they would both open up to each other and talk about their lives and their secrets and hopes for the future. That may never happen. She regretted that. She wanted to have a special relationship with him. She knew they can have that. He hasn't left her side for four days. Liz knew that was real. While her life was disintegrating, Ressler was still there.

Ressler wanted to talk. He wanted to tell her everything. Anything. He couldn't just stand there after such an intense day and not say anything. He knew that after this, they couldn't just go back to the relationship they had before. He knew the real Elizabeth Keen, not the special agent she hides behind. He knew the Liz that only she knew. He had a part of her that she never gave to anyone, and he had to give her something back.

"After Brussels, I felt like a failure. I lost Audrey because of Reddington, and then I lost Reddington. I had no drive anymore. To live." Ressler never told that to anyone.

Liz was surprised by the voice suddenly appearing in the air. She was also surprised by his confession. She knew he wasn't an open person to begin with. "So what did you do?"

"I went to sleep every night for two weeks hoping that I wouldn't wake up. I had nothing to live for anymore. I had no one in my life that I loved, except for Audrey, and she didn't love me back. And because I had no one, I had no one to see my weakness. I played strong at work and eventually, the strong stayed after work."

"How did you have the motivation to keep on going?" Liz said with the pain evident in her eyes.

"I didn't. I just didn't have any motivation to kill myself either. I didn't have the energy. When I got home from work, I laid in bed the whole night, I didn't even have the energy to take off my clothes. I barely ate. I showered just enough to make myself look fine to the world. I was a good actor."

Liz found his last sentence all too familiar. They had more in common than she thought. "When you act one way on the outside, even though you don't feel like it internally, eventually, it will permeate into the inside. Soon I was able to go home and not collapse on my bed for the whole night. A little after that, I was able to clean up the place. It was a long process, but eventually I got back to myself, even though I thought I never would."

"Do you think I will get better?" Liz asked so openly that she surprised herself. She wasn't supposed to be showing weakness, especially tonight.

Ressler came a little closer to her bed and took her injured hand. "Do you want to get better?"

Liz didn't know the answer. She wanted her life to be normal but she knew that would never happen. If she got better, it wouldn't last. She was destined to live a painful, lonely life and she had to accept that. She wished it didn't have to be like that, but she can't imagine her life being any other way. Any happiness she had was taken away from her. But the way Ressler looked at her and took her hand made her not care in that moment. He entranced her with his gaze and his soft, healing voice. He made her want to get better, even though it may not last.

"Yes, but you can't leave me. I can't do this, or anything, alone."

It broke Ressler's heart when she said that. She always looked so strong and independent. He fed off of her strength. Now, all he saw was a lost and broken woman. He hated seeing her like this. He needed her to be strong and she needed him to help her return to herself, even if she may not have found herself yet.

Looking deeply into her endless eyes, Ressler said, "We are partners. We are friends. We are more. No matter what life brings, I will not leave you. I care too much about you, and I will do anything it takes to help you get better. You want to get better; that is the first and biggest step. You are a fighter and now you have me fighting for you too. I know you can do this, Liz." He then gently lifted her arm to his mouth and kissed her bandaged wrist. "This is just a battle scar. You are not a casualty."

She knew he was sincere. She knew he saw something in her that she couldn't, and may never, see. His words brought her to tears. She hasn't felt loved like this in a long time. It felt so good to know that someone actually cared about her. He didn't care that she was an emotional wreck. He accepted her for who she was.

Ressler saw her tears and leaned in to hug her. He held her for a moment until she pulled away. She sat up and moved over to the side of her bed. "Come. Sit with me."

Ressler carefully climbed into her bed and sat by her side. He still held on to her hand as she laid her head down in the space between his neck and right shoulder. They both closed their eyes, not intending to sleep, but just wanting to savor the warmth and comfort. It wasn't romantic. It was two people who have been through so much together sealing the deal. The deal that they will never let go of each other. They closed their eyes, but did not sleep. They thought, but did not speak. They didn't have to speak; they were both thinking the same thoughts. They loved each other. Romantically or not, they loved each other. And they didn't have to say it for the other to know it. It has been a short, intense few days, but this has been growing since Liz joined the force.

Even when he didn't trust her, he was constantly fighting the thoughts telling him to trust her. The thoughts telling him that she is special and in need of someone. He didn't want to trust her. He didn't want her to break down the walls he built over the years. But then he saw her. He really saw her. He saw that she was genuine, and passionate, and in a lot of pain. Even before Sam died, he saw the pain that no one else could see. Ressler saw it because he saw himself in her. He saw her pain, and he saw her walls. They were convincing to others, but he could see right through them.

But he didn't want people, especially their coworkers, to know about her pain and emotional suffering. He didn't want them to think she isn't strong, or tough, anymore. That's why he didn't tell them. Cooper had no clue what was going on, and he wasn't going to find out. Cooper would fire her in a second. Liz didn't deserve that. This job was all she had left and Ressler was afraid of what would happen if it was taken away from her. She isn't totally stable yet, no matter how hard she tried to hide it. He can still see straight through he walls. She was acting too fine.

Ressler just hoped the act worked because he hated being in the hospital. He hated seeing her in a hospital bed, with bandages around her self inflicted wound, which he was still holding. He wanted to take her home and comfort her and tell her that she isn't alone. Over and over and over again. She needed to hear it. He wanted to nurse her back to herself on his own, not with these doctors around. Ressler knew that he could do this on his own. He did it for himself without anyone. Liz has him, and that's all she needs right now. Just one person who loves her is enough right now.

Now they just have to wait for her results. And until they find out, they aren't going to leave that bed. Or each other.

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**A/N: Hello! That's my chapter, all fluffy! haha I hope you enjoyed it and pleeassseee review! It means so much to me!**

**It's probably going to be a while until my next chapter because I'm going away for two weeks and then AP's are two weeks after I come home! :0 So please stay with me in my absence! So I guess have a good the whole next month and just savor this chapter! **


	8. Chapter 8

They didn't have to wait long. Dr. Brody came in after about an hour. They felt a little embarrassed that someone saw them being so intimate, but Ressler didn't bother getting up, let alone freeing Liz's hand. She needed him there then, while getting her results. She was scared. She didn't want to be labeled as mentally unstable, whether it was true or not. She just wanted to leave the hospital and feel human again. Being there wasn't helping her get better. Ressler was the only reason why she was managing being there. Being there in that hospital made her feel sick. It made her feel like she deserved to stay there forever. Everyone that looked at her only looked at her wrist. They didn't look at her. She wasn't a person anymore. All she was was a patient, and nothing more. Ressler made her feel human. When he looked at her, she saw life in his eyes. Life that wanted to have. He made her want to move on and get better, even though it's so much easier to just give in to the darkness attempting to consume her. Taking the knife to her wrist was so much easier than trying to get better, but Ressler made her forget about the darkness. She would look at him and she would think optimistic thoughts.

Liz laughed at this. When she started working in the Post Office, she never would've thought that she would become close with Ressler. They mutually disliked each other and he didn't trust her at all. Now, Liz trusted him with everything to her, and he was slowly opening up his heart to her. He was so disconnected from everyone he know. Him and Liz found their connection after months of denying and avoiding it. They were scared of getting close with someone so much like themselves. They didn't want to get hurt. Ressler was so close to being hurt and broken again, but he found Liz in time. By saving her, he also saved himself.

The doctor was holding a folder. The folder with Liz's diagnosis. Liz didn't want to know but wanted to know at the same time. She wanted to get over with it but yet not start it at all. She wanted to get up and start running until she collapsed but the hand on hers kept her from moving at all. The doctor opened up the folder and furrowed his brows when he read the results paper and then looked up at Elizabeth and Ressler.

"Ms. Keen, I have your diagnosis. Yes, there is indeed a diagnosis, unfortunately. You have been diagnosed with major depressive disorder and post-traumatic stress disorder."

Liz's whole demeanor dropped as he spoke. She was officially mentally unstable. To the world, she was crazy, unable to survive in society. She had to be treated differently, to be heavily medicated, because she couldn't live otherwise.

Liz spoke up after staring silently at nothing for a few minutes. "When can I leave?" That hasn't changed. She still wanted to get the hell out of there and try to retain the small amount of humanity she had left.

"Well, Ms. Keen, you may have forgotten that you are still recovering from your wound." Liz's eyes immediately fell down to her wrist. "The cut was very deep and you lost a lot of blood. Releasing you this soon would not be conducive to your recovery. You haven't even stood up yet without assistance. You will be here for at least another four days."

"I feel fine. I can stand. I can walk. Please, just give me my medication and let me go home. I'll get my stitches removed elsewhere."

"Ms. Keen, unfortunately, it does not work like that. This is out of your control."

"Doctor, you can not keep me here against my will, and if you try, just know that the law is on my side and you have malpractice on yours."

Ressler decided it was time for him to say something. "Liz, don't say something you're going to regret. I'm here for you. You'll be okay," he whispered in her ear.

Feeling his breath on her ear and hearing his soft yet rough voice calmed her down significantly. He had a soothing effect on her like no other. Liz once again direct her attention towards the Dr. Brody.

"I'm sorry, doctor. I'm clearly not reacting well to my diagnosis. But, please, don't make me stay longer than what is critical for my health." Although she was calm, she still looked at Dr. Brody with pleading eyes.

"I will work my hardest to get you in perfect physical health immediately. However, I am not sure how long it will take for you to recover mentally. I see your will to recover and move on, which is uncommon for people who have attempted suicide. I appreciate that and I am committed to getting you out of here a new person."

"I know that I am in a bad place now," Liz said while Ressler's hand moved down from her wrist for her hand and squeezed it, "and I want to get better. But I would prefer to recover at home, on my own. I have Ressler here with me, who has gone through a similar experience and has come out of it on his own. He is better now, and he will help me get better."

Ressler looked at Liz with pride. He really believed in her and knew she could do this. "Yes, Dr. Brody. After spending the past few days here with Elizabeth, I have seen that she has a strong will to get herself better. I don't think she really wanted to die when she slit her wrist, and she regrets it. She knows she made a mistake. She doesn't wish to die. She wants to live a long, happy, and successful life and move on from her past. And I will always be there to help her if she is feeling down. There won't be a need for any further treatment once she is physically healed, and I truly believe that. She doesn't need more than what I will give her and her medication. I can heal her." Liz and Dr. Brody were both surprised by Ressler's presence in the conversation, and by his honest words.

"Ms. Keen, if you can promise me you won't end up back here if I let you go, and Ressler, if you can promise me you won't leave her side, then I will let Ms. Keen go once her wrist heals and she regains enough strength." Dr. Brody knew they were professional adults and he believed in them as partners. He knew sincerity when he saw it.

Liz spoke up immediately. "We can assure you that we will never see you again."

"Good. Now let's just wait until you can get out of bed." Dr. Brody closed his folder and left the room, leaving Liz and Ressler alone in Liz's bed once again.

"Did that just happen?" Liz asked. "I don't have to stay in the psych ward?" Liz turned to Ressler with a smile on her face. "Maybe I'm more normal that what my diagnosis suggests."

Ressler looked at her with confusion. "You don't care about your diagnosis?"

"I do, but I'm just happy that I could leave and go home with you. I don't feel human here. I feel like a patient with depression and PSTD, and that's what I'm trying to escape. I'm not better. I'm so not. But I just can't take it here anymore. I cut my wrist because I was lonely, because Tom turned out to be a criminal and Red didn't even care to tell me straight out. I need someone who I could trust with everything in me. I need you." As she was talking, Liz's smile faded. Liz looked into Ressler's eyes with intensity and longing as her voice cracked saying those last three words.

Without speaking, Ressler gently let go Liz's hand. He brought both hands up and cupped her cheeks. Both of their eyes closed as the distance closed between them and Ressler's lips passionately fell on Liz's lips. The kiss was soft and romantic, but still full of passion and desire. Even with Audrey, whom he loved more than anything, Ressler never kissed her like that. Audrey was the best, but she was perfect in every way, and Ressler couldn't connect with that. He was flawed and scarred, but so was Liz, and that's why he was drawn to her.

Ressler slowly pulled away and noticed tears streaming down Liz's face. Liz looked up at him with an expression of pure sadness and guilt. "That was amazing."

"So why do you look so sad?"

"Ressler, you don't get it. That's the problem." Ressler just looked at her with perplexity, but didn't talk. What did he just do? He kept his hand on her cheek as she continued.

"That kiss wasn't supposed to be the best kiss of my life. I'm not supposed to love your touch. I'm not supposed to imagine us together, as a couple. I can't feed myself false hope, and you can't either. You deserve better than me. I'm a train wreck. I clearly can't maintain, let alone attain, a normal relationship. You are amazing. Everything about you is admirable and incredible. I'm at the bottom of the ocean right now. I'm naïve, unpleasant, emotionally unstable, and I will probably let you down." Liz continued to sob as she spoke. She didn't want to face the truth just yet.

"Liz, why are you saying that? You know that's not true. You know that your life circumstances are unusually tragic and it's okay to show emotion and vulnerability and make mistakes. You're human. I want to try this. Us. I love you." That was no surprise to Liz. She knew he loved her when she woke up in the hospital and saw him sitting at her beside. And she knew she loved him when the only person she could think of calling when she was bleeding out was him. But she just wasn't ready for all of this. It was too soon and Liz made him think she was stronger than she actually was.

"I love you too. But I'm not sure in what way. Before, we had a brother-sister, best friend type of relationship. Now, I messed everything up and I made it so different. I forced you to recognize your feelings because of what I did. You came too close to losing me, and now you don't want to wait any longer."

"Liz, stop profiling me. I love you, and yes, I came close to losing you and it scared the hell out of me."

"But, Don, I can't do this yet. I just can't. I need stability first. I need your friendship. I cherish it more than anything. I don't want to make it complicated because if something happens, and you leave, I'm going to sink again."

"First of all. I will never leave you. Second of all, I respect you and I understand you. I don't want to put any pressure on you. If you don't want to take this any further, neither do I. But I'm going to wait for you, however long it may take. I can't imagine being with someone who isn't you. We are meant to be together."

"Thank you. When I am strong enough, we can give us a chance. I don't know what I would do without you, and you still manage to amaze me with your support." Liz leaned in and gave him a hug. After she pulled back, she laid down and settled her head in Ressler's lap. He stroked her arm and back as she slowly fell asleep. She felt safe in his arms. She wasn't scared to fall asleep and dream anymore. She wasn't scared that she wouldn't wake up. He removed all fear and worry from her mind and allowed her to rest peacefully.

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**Okay! Here it is! It's been a while, guys! I don't know if this is good or not though. I wrote this at a very late hour very quickly, so it might be terrible! Just review and tell me if it is! Speaking of reviews, I appreciate all of the reviews, follows, and favs, that I have! They all mean so much to me and they motivate me to keep on writing! You guys are seriously the best! :)**

**Again, it might be a while until my next post because of AP's and other school work, but I will try my hardest to get in some writing! **


	9. Chapter 9

Liz stayed in the hospital for five more days. During those five days, Liz started her anxiety and depression medication, got out of bed and started walking around on her own, got her bandages removed, and didn't do anything or go anywhere without Ressler. Ressler didn't go to work since Liz was admitted to the hospital. Cooper was on the brink of firing him. Ressler didn't tell him what happened, out of respect for Liz. Cooper was wondering where in the world Liz was. He was also smart enough to realize that they were together. When he started to really press Ressler for an explanation, Ressler was forced to tell him that Liz was in the hospital, but he made up some really gruesome story about some freak injury. That shut Cooper up. Liz didn't even know what Ressler did to make sure no one found out about her suicide attempt. Everyone from the office called him about her and even tried visiting her in the hospital, but Ressler prevented them from seeing her, only telling them that she is fine and she'll be back to work as soon as possible. Besides, without her, there is no Red, and with no Red, there are no cases. The Post Office was probably a ghost town anyways, which probably pissed Cooper off even more.

Liz was finally released after spending nine days in the hospital. She was happy to finally be leaving. It symbolized a new start for her. A start without Tom, Red, or anyone connected with her past. She didn't want to go back to working at the Post Office. It would be too much for her, too soon. She needed time to settle down again and get herself into a mind set that wasn't depressed, anxious, or suicidal. But she knew the mere act of stepping into her brownstone would make that extremely difficult. Tom was everywhere in that house. They lived there together for two years, planned to raise a family there. That house was supposed to be her safe haven. It was supposed to be the foundation for everything beautiful and happy in her life. When Liz lost Tom, she lost her hopes for a beautiful future too, and her house was just a reminder of that.

Ressler drove her home from the hospital. Liz didn't talk the whole way. The car ride was as quiet as their car rides from when they first became partners. Liz was too scared to talk. She was afraid of walking into her house. Afraid of what it might trigger. Her blood was all over. Things were a mess from all of her breakdowns. Ripped out book pages. Thrown chairs. Broken lamps. Shattered china. It looked like a hurricane hit her house. But no matter what she destroyed, nothing gave her pleasure. She wanted Tom. She wanted to kill him and burn his things along with his body. But he was in jail and his stuff was all gone, apparently it was evidence. Liz didn't care though. Every day she thought about going down to that maximum security prison in a location she isn't legally allowed to know and beating the life out of him, like he did to her. The look in his eyes when she arrested him knocked all life and vigor out of her body. It destroyed her soul. The fire in her eyes left. He had to pay. Prison wasn't a good enough punishment. He had to suffer and live a long, painful life, because that's what Liz's life is going to be like with his memory forever haunting her.

Ressler was scared to speak because Liz wasn't speaking. He saw the contorted expression on her face, screaming, "I don't want to go!", but he had no choice. He was required to bring her home. Besides, all of her things were still at her house. From the short glances he took while he was waiting for the ambulance when he found Liz, he saw the house was a complete wreck. But, honestly, he didn't care one bit at the time because his Liz was dying in his arms. But now that he knew Liz was alive and safe, he let himself think back to the house. Nothing looked like it was in place. Things were broken and scattered all over the floor. He wondered how long it was like that, with Liz living in that chaotic setting. It mirrored her emotions. It still did, sadly. Ressler knew walking into that house was going to be an extremely hard thing for Liz, and he wished that she didn't have to. He wanted to turn the car around and tell her she never has to look at that house again. But he couldn't, and that's why he didn't speak.

Liz tried to stay strong as they turned onto her block. She tried to contain all of the destructive emotions that were threatening to come out. She told herself that this was going to be the hardest, and it would get easier after this, but she didn't believe herself. She wished she could. Liz used all the self-control she had left in her to prevent herself from breaking down when she saw her house. It looked so normal, and even nice, from the outside, but only Liz knew of the darkness inside. Even though Ressler saw it, he didn't feel it like Liz did.

Ressler parked the car and turned to Liz. Her eyes were closed and he head was back. If Ressler didn't know better, he would think she was sleeping. She looked unusually calm. He knew she was faking. He knew she couldn't handle being there. He wanted to let her know it was okay to not be ready. It was okay to cry.

"Liz."

She finally opened her eyes, although apprehensively. She immediately directed her gaze towards Ressler. She said so much with her eyes that she could never express with words. Her face could've broken a stranger's heart.

"I can do this."

"You don't have to." Why did she have to put up that front? She wasn't at work. It was just him. He wouldn't judge her.

"I need to. Or else I'm never going to." Liz looked down when she said that. She had to be strong. She had to take this step. Deep down, she knew she didn't want to be sad.

They got out of the car. Liz needed a minute before she was actually able to stand on her two feet without support from the car. She was trembling. Ressler took her hand as they walked up the steps, also making sure she wouldn't trip. Her body felt as heavy as a truck as they walked up the steps. It took all her strength to lift each leg to the next step. Ressler unlocked the door and opened it with his free hand. He and Liz slowly walked in together. He felt her increase her hold on his hand. She was squeezing him as if she was holding on for her life. They stood right in front of the doorway, just looking around for a few minutes. The sight was disastrous. It was exactly how Liz left it. Blood, broken furniture, Liz's stuff everywhere, and Liz's phone on the floor, right where she dropped it when after she called Ressler, covered in blood. When Liz saw the phone, she quickly closed the door behind her and sank against it. She put her head in her knees and didn't move. Ressler also got down and sat beside her, leaning against the door, and he just waited. He wasn't going to make her talk until she was ready.

Liz couldn't look. She just had to close her eyes and try to forget where she was for a little bit. She felt Ressler's body heat besides hers but she didn't move. The anxiety was paralyzing her. It was eating her up from the inside. All she could see was her phone, covered in her dried up blood. All she could see was the blood pumping out of her wrist as she laid on the kitchen floor, waiting for Ressler. All she could see was Tom's face the last time she saw him; his familiar, but completely unrecognizable face. She opened her eyes, picked up her head, and turned to Ressler. Maybe if she looked at him, she wouldn't see the image that had been haunting her for the past month. She looked at him blankly, but with her eyes intensely analyzing his face. She found comfort in just looking at him, the only person she could really trust. She almost couldn't believe that there was still someone there for her. She didn't deserve it. She did this to herself. She isn't a victim. She's an attempted murderer. Suicide is murder, isn't it? But he stayed. He didn't care if she was a murderer. She saw acceptance in his eyes. He saw her flaws, yet they didn't bother him. He was willing to help her because she actually meant something to him. It was hard for Liz to believe, still.

She almost forgot about where they were when she got lost in his eyes. Almost. She would never forget, but he made it a lot easier to live with it. She had a perpetual guilt that was so strong, she could even feel it in her dreams. She felt responsible for everything that had happened in her life. She felt the weight of her world on her shoulders.

"This is all my fault." She looked around the house as she spoke.

"I'm a monster. I destroy everything in my path." She spoke slowly, taking in every word she was saying, believing it.

"Red is a monster."

"Maybe it's genetic."

"You're not his daughter."

"You know what he said the first day. 'Criminals are notorious liars.' I believed that much."

"You really think he's your father?" Ressler got her to finally turn her focus back to him when he said that.

"I don't know. And it drives me crazy." That was all Liz had to say for Ressler to understand. Liz blamed Red for everything that had happened, even if she didn't completely realize it yet. Ressler blamed Red too. Whatever Red's connection to Liz is, it's the reason why Tom ever married Liz in the first place. Maybe if Red wasn't in her life, Liz could've had a normal childhood; she would've never had to raise herself. She wouldn't have a scar on her wrist that she couldn't explain.

Ressler got up from beside Liz and scanned the house. Then he turned to Liz and extended his hand.

"Come on, we're going to clean up this mess."

Liz took his hand and got up. The first thing she went to was her phone. She picked it up and went straight into her kitchen. She tried not to get overwhelmed again when she saw the scene. There was blood everywhere and the knife laying in a pool of dried blood. She walked straight to it and picked it up. Then she walked to garbage and threw it out along with her phone. Throwing them out slightly relieved the ever-present knots in her stomach. But it was so far from ever going away.

"You okay?" Ressler was standing in the doorway to the kitchen, watching Liz as she walked through the sea of blood.

"No," Liz answered honestly. It was going to be a long time until she would be okay.

"I'm proud of you."

"Thank you, Ressler."

After that, they continued to clean up the house. They scrubbed blood, swept shards of glass and china, disposed of any broken furniture, and reorganized the house. This was a cleanse for Liz. It felt good to be picking up the pieces of her life one by one and gluing them back together. It hurt that in the process, some pieces couldn't be recovered, but she was slowly starting to be okay with the new picture that was forming. Things didn't have to be like they were before. She could live without Tom. She could live without Sam, even though getting used to that would take much longer than living without Tom. She could get a new job. She could move. She could restart her life. Nothing was stopping her anymore. She didn't have the baggage of Tom anymore. Even though the thought of the past eight months still made her want to go to sleep forever, she was going to fight. She knew that she had made a huge mistake by trying to kill herself, and even though she had urges that weren't in her control, she was going to beat this depression. She didn't want to live forever with missing pieces.

There was just one piece she still wasn't sure about. One piece that didn't fit anywhere, yet completed the picture, and she didn't know how. Red. He hasn't contacted her yet, but she knew he would. She knew he cared too much to leave her forever. She knew it pained him that he couldn't save her from the unthinkable. She knew that he kept surveillance on her at all times. She knew he had resources. She didn't know why she was so important to him. She didn't know why he left his family that Christmas Eve. She didn't know why he would turn the world upside down just to save her. She didn't know why he didn't just show up. She needed to talk to him. He had the answers to everything. She wanted him to tell her that everything will be okay, because if he says it, then it will happen. He can and would do everything in his power just to make that happen.

Liz sat down on the couch, lost in thought.

"What's on your mind?"

"Red." It's amazing how much could be conveyed using just one word. Red was this entity that held all of the secrecy and mystery in the world, and it felt as if no one would ever discover them. "I need to talk to him."

"He'll come."

What they didn't know was that Red was already there, sitting in the passenger seat of an unmarked car outside of Liz's house. As he watched them converse, he planned his return into Liz's life.

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**Here it is! I finally got to Red! This is going to be a gas! ;D **

**Hello I'm so excited for the show tonight! I really hope Keen and Ressler get together! It was painful that they left off the last episode like that! **

**Please review! I live off of reviews! Thank you so much for all of your views and reviews! They make my life! I know my story and writing isn't that great compared to the so many talented writers on this website, so I really really appreciate the support I'm getting! **


	10. Chapter 10

Liz couldn't sleep that night. She was too scared. She didn't want to close her eyes and see Red. She didn't want to dream about him. She was supposed to be mad at him, but she wanted to see him more than anything. She sat on the couch, facing a sleeping Ressler on the opposite couch, but all she saw was Red. That was what Liz hated the most about her condition. Once something started to trouble her, it wouldn't leave her mind. Not for a moment. Her thoughts would take over her whole body until she found some closure or satisfaction. But with Red, it wasn't in her control. He would come back when he wanted, whether it would be the next day or the next year.

Liz glanced at the clock. It was nearing 2 a.m. but she wasn't tired in the least bit. She decided to go on a walk to try to clear her mind, though knowing it wouldn't help. It would help to get out of that house, though. She was proud of herself that she was able to stay in there the whole day, but she needed a break. It was still hard to look at those walls, walk on that floor, take in everything that happened to her lately. The house was a reminder of the fact that her life turned out to be the opposite of what she ever wanted and expected.

Liz went up to her room to get her gun, just because she was going on a walk at two in the morning. She technically wasn't allowed to have it. She would have to turn it in to Ressler because she was suicidal. But she wasn't going to use it on herself. Not tonight, and hopefully not ever. Then she went back downstairs and headed for the door. She was about to open the door when she suddenly remember the man sleeping on her couch. She quickly ran back upstairs and took out a blanket from her linen closet. She went back downstairs and softly laid it on Ressler, tucking it gently under his chin. He looked so at peace in his sleep. His whole face was relaxed in a way she rarely saw. She got down on her knees and slowly laid her lips on his forehead. She let them linger for a few minutes as she closed her eyes and got lost in his scent.

The cold metal that grazed her hip brought her back to reality. She couldn't stay like that forever. If he woke up and saw her, he would think that she's ready now, but she's not. So she got up. She didn't want to, but she knew she had to. She had to teach herself to be able to let go, even with something as seemingly irrelevant as this. Liz headed for the door and took a quick glance at Ressler before she walked out. He looked even more relaxed that before.

She walked down the street aimlessly. It was dark; a few of the streetlights were burned out and the moon was covered by clouds. But Liz didn't care. She's been in many dangerous situations in the past few months. She wasn't scared to go out alone at night. That's probably the safest thing she did in a long time. She also loved it. Liz loved the dark. She loved going outside at night and just looking at how different it all looked. It looked more exciting, more mysterious. Looking up at the stars and she inhaled the crisp Virginia night air made her feel free. Really free, not bound by any of the thoughts and feelings trying to take over her body. In that second, she felt in control.

She'd been walking for 45 minutes. She ended up by the lake near her house. She loved that lake. She used to run around the whole thing every day before she started working for the FBI. It even had these small workout stations all along it, where you could stop and do pull ups or whatever was set up there. Feeling in the mood of going back to the good times, she began her once daily ritual. As she was running, she went back to old Liz. The Liz that she missed so much. The Liz that didn't have a care in the world. The Liz that finally got happiness. She forgot about the Liz she was now. The Liz that got everything that made her happy and normal ripped out of her life. The Liz that has to live with two big scars on her wrist for the rest of her life.

All of a sudden, Liz was interrupted by approaching headlights. She thanked herself in that moment for bringing her gun. As the car got closer to her, it started to slow down. Liz wasn't in the mood of what could possibly happen next, so she ran away from it. At that point by the lake, the sidewalk was separated from the lake by a large hill, with the lake at the bottom. There was a path at the bottom of the hill right next to the lake, which was concealed by large trees. Liz flung herself down the hill and ran through the trees to the path. When she got to the path, she heard the car stop and someone get out. She ran faster, running completely on adrenaline. The path was windier than she remembered, with sharp turns and uneven ground, and she could barely see where she was going. She came too close to the edge a few times. She didn't let that slow her down though; she heard someone running after her. Her gun was now in her hand. She was ready to use it. Then she fell into the lake. She didn't even know how she fell; there was so much happening. But then it all stopped and she was in the lake. Her attempts proved futile when her foot caught on a branch underwater. She didn't even know where her gun was as it flew out of her hand when she fell. She didn't know how long she would be able to keep herself up. She had barely any energy left from all the running she did. She started to sink.

She cried as she struggled to keep herself from drowning. She didn't want to die like that. She wasn't done yet. She was only one day in to rebuilding her life. If she knew she was just going to die anyways, she wouldn't have called Ressler that night. She knew that she was saved for a reason and she had to try her hardest to make it through. That's what she told herself to keep herself going. She was jerking her foot back and forth while paddling her arms to keep herself above the water, but her foot was stuck just a little too deep and she couldn't stay up. She tried to accept the fact that she was going to drown, but she couldn't. It couldn't end like this. When she tried to kill herself, she was drowning emotionally. Now she was physically drowning but emotionally swimming to the shore. She was so close. She wouldn't let herself not make it.

Then she heard something. A splash that didn't come from her. She sensed someone else's presence in the lake with her. Either this person was going to drown her or save her and Liz wasn't so sure about the latter. In the midst of her personal pre-death repentance, she felt something pulling on her foot. And then her foot was out. Before she could get the hell out of that lake, she felt two arms wrapped around her waist and she was being carried to the shore. As she wasn't going to die, at least not until she got to land, she closed her eyes and let herself grow heavy. She didn't even open her eyes when they got back to land and she was laid down on the ground. She only opened her eyes once she felt the unknown person's hands wrapped around let again and lift the top half of her body into his embrace. Liz pushed off of him and finally got a look.

"Red?"

"Hello Lizzie. I didn't expect for our reunion to be this dramatic... and wet."

He always had a way of being so composed in every situation. That made Liz even more caught off guard, even though she didn't really expect anything else from him. But why now? Why here? Why did he always have to find her at the worst hour?

"Where you the one following me?"

"Yes, Lizzie. I'm sorry to give you a scare like that. I didn't think we would end up here like this."

At a loss for words, Liz just fell into his arms again. She didn't even care anymore. She knew he was the key to her life, and she had to make sure she didn't lose him, even though she knew he wouldn't let that happen. He'd been there for her at every moment, but not when she needed him the most. He didn't comfort her when Tom was arrested. Why would he do that? He cared so much for her and saved her so many times, but he didn't save her from herself.

"I needed you."

He hugged her tighter. "I know."

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Ressler woke up at 4:30. He momentarily forgot where he was until he remembered the past ten days. Liz. He was in her house, sleeping on her couch. That's one thing he actually never expected to happen, but he didn't mind. He loved her and was happy to help her as much as she could. He then saw the blanket covering his body. That's what he loved about Liz. Even in her darkest hour, she was still always thinking about everyone else. It's just sad that she forgot about herself in the midst of it. Ressler wished she could just realize what a gift she really was. She was the most amazing woman he ever knew and she didn't even know it. It broke his heart.

Ressler looked over to the other couch and realized she wasn't there. He got up and checked the kitchen. Nope. He then went to see if she was in the bathroom but the door was open. Would she go sleep in her bed? He didn't think she would go to the bed that she shared with Tom, but he went to look anyways. She wasn't there. He searched the whole house. She was nowhere. "Liz! Liz!" He was nervous. She was missing. Ressler then started looking for a note. He nearly turned the house over looking for a sign. He ended up back in her bedroom. He felt like he was violating her by looking through her stuff, but he needed to find her. He opened up the drawer in the nightstand next to her bed. It was empty besides for her pistol case. He prayed that the case wouldn't be empty, but it was.

Liz and her gun were gone. He couldn't lose his Liz again. Why would she do this again? She was getting better. She wanted to get better. She wanted to live. She wanted answers. He needed to find her before it was too late. He looked out the window overlooking the driveway. Both of their cars were there. She left on foot. Ressler ran out the room, going down the stairs straight for the door. When he got down the steps he just started running, looking all around for her. He ran around the whole neighborhood, and then again. He went around the whole lake calling her name, not caring who would hear. Then he heard the gun shots.

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After Liz pulled out of Red's embrace, she started with the questions.

"Why didn't you save me? You knew I was breaking."

Her words broke his heart. He wanted to be there for her, but he had to save her from the things she would never know about. "You didn't want me. You were mad at me. You still are."

"But we need each other. I need you for answers and you need me for whatever the hell you need me for, which is one of the answers I want."

"Those answers will come in time Lizzie. They are much more complicated than you could ever believe."

"You know what's complicated? I slit my wrist almost two weeks ago, and I sat in my house drowning for three weeks before that, and you didn't come. Why didn't you come? And don't tell me that it was because I'm mad at you, because that never stops you from anything. You said you would only leave if I told you to leave. You didn't even give me the chance."

"Answers will come in time."

"Red I can't play your game anymore."

"Everything will be okay. You will be okay."

She didn't want to, but she believed him. She believed every damn word her told her. Criminals are notorious liars. Not him. At least not to her. She knew he cared for their relationship too much to lie to her.

"I trust you."

Before he could answer, they heard gun shots.

"Red, what was that?"

Red got up from the ground and then helped Liz up. They were both still soaked throughout. They were lucky it wasn't cold out. "My alarm clock. Dembe's been waiting for a while. Goodbye Lizzie." Red began to walk away.

"Will you be back?"

"Yes." Then he went up the hill and into Dembe's car, and Liz just dropped to the floor again in shock of what just happened.

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If Ressler wasn't in total panic mode before, he definitely was when he heard the gun shots. What if it was Liz's gun? What if it was to her head? He began to scream her name and run toward the sound. It brought him back to the lake. He went down the hill to the path and starting looking for blood, or a body. "Please, let her be okay," he whispered as he ran. Then he saw her, lying on the ground soaking wet, but not from blood.

"Elizabeth!" He ran straight towards her and lifted her into his arms.

Liz didn't even know where he came from. All of a sudden she was in his arms. But she just wrapped her arms around him instead of asking questions.

"Liz, I was so worried. You weren't home and your gun was gone and I just hoped that you didn't try to-" He couldn't even say the rest of his sentence. He just pulled her as close as possible as some rare tears escaped from his eyes.

"I'm sorry." She also began to cry, just from all that happened that night. She wanted to explain, but sobs that wracked her body preventing any words from getting out. So she just cried in his arms, and tried to absorb Red's words that she'll be okay. Then she realized, this almost mirrored the time outside of the Stewmaker's cabin, before they became close. He held her when she cried. Now, he cried with her.

"I never want to feel like I've lost you again. I can't lose you."

Liz calmed down at the sound of his voice, as usual. "You're never going to lose me and I'm never going to lose you. We are going to be together for the rest of our lives."

"God, I sure hope so." He smiled through his tears at his words. So did Liz. He then gave her one last squeeze and pulled away from Liz. He put his arm around her shoulder as he began to lead them back to Liz's house. "Let's go get you cleaned up. And then you could explain to me what actually happened."

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**Hey Guys! Here is Chapter 10! I can't believe I wrote ten whole chapters! This is so cool! lol Hopefully I'll be able to write more because APs are OVER! yayyy! **

**So here's the question- Should this story continue or should I start a new story? Pleaassee review if you read this and tell me what you think I should do! Also, please tell me what you thought of this chapter! Thank you! :) I love you all!**

**Oh and btw, I loved Meera. Why didn't they just kill Cooper? Meera was awesome. :*( But I'm still really excited for season two and I realllllyyy hope that Liz and Ressler will finally get together! *fingers crossed***


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